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Olympic Miscellany

 The following is a selection of the questions e-mailed to the Olympics info line in Sydney.

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?   (UK) (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question and who will need watering himself if his IQ drops any lower...)

 Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)  Doh! (?)

 Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) (Why bother? Use your fingers like everyone else...)

 Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) (This HAS to be a blonde...)

 Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) (Depends on how much beer you've   consumed...)                                                                                                                                                      

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA) (What's this guy smoking, and where can I get some?)

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) (No rattlesnakes in Australia, sport!)

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and  lives in trees. (USA) (What's this about Americans and animals?)

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) (Another intellectual giant...)

 Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) (Face north and you should be about right)

 I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)  (You should keep quiet about that)

 Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) (Americans have considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

 Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) (Yes. Gay night-clubs.)

 Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?(Italy) (Yes! Outdoors.)

 It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)  (I'm not touching this one...)

 Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney)

 Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) (Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and the national parks...)

 Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) (Sure, but only if your vehicle is amphibious.)

 Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

 Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
 (Germany) (Probably another blonde!)

 I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
  (Sure, it's only 4,000 km, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this September...)

 Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)  (I'm not touching this one, either!)

Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal) (???)

 Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) (No! Everybody stinks.)

 Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) (Yes! At Christmas.)

 It just goes to show - idiots are the next step in the evolutionary process...